I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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