we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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