Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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