gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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