i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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