everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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