matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
