naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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