Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
