Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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