I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
