I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
