Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
