i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
