this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
