My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
