Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
