i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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