Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
