If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
