I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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