I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
