dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
