We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
