I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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