I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
lets start a swedish sibling band together
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
