I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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