I'll bet she douches with gravy.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going