Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
