Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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