I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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