Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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