I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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