i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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