I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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