update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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