I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
handjob tips. give me some.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
