You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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