were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
