My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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