he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
