get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
