this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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