ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
