my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
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I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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