Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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