don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
