sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
