I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My breasts were aching with rage.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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