a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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