It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
