And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
