I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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