Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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