You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
smell my finger.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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