I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
